I have been finding myself in a difficult, internally-divided state these days.
I have been working hard on writing, but I am struggling hard with publishing. I feel very much that I have little or nothing of worth to offer, small and inconsequential ideas, of little relevance.
The thing is, in my mind, I know this is false. I do in fact have sufficient evidence to believe it is false, including a string of highly-graded research papers from my seminary professors, and a number of kind notes from readers in other contexts. But my feelings don’t care. Apparently they think my professors and everyone else are full of nonsense and do not know what they’re talking about. Not very kind of my feelings. Not truthful either -- my mind knows this too.
I believe this is the part where one is supposed to act according to the facts, not the feelings. I’m pretty sure that is what all the self-help and personal development type people and life coaches and things say.
The thing is, acting in the face of these feelings is so hard. The feelings are so heavy, and so hard to shift out of the way far enough to act. Creative work engages the emotions. When the emotions are not on board, it makes the work even harder, sometimes just about impossible.
So today I’m trying hard to remember that, in the face of something so heavy and large and difficult to shift, small things count. Maybe a little bitty action is the best that can be done, in the face of such hard opposition. Small actions, like … well, this. This piece of writing is what I am able to do right now. Small, but not insignificant. It is what I can do today and it counts.