Stories from a life in progress.

Worst enemy

Last week and over the weekend I had several lovely, unsolicited affirmations from multiple people about my ability to write and to explore valuable ideas.

On Monday I felt so hopeless and depressed about my ability to do this work successfully that I couldn't do anything.

Last night, I decided that today I would follow the pattern that worked so well for a few days, but which then I fell out of:  do work before doing any of my typical fun things which become distractions.

Instead I slept through the entire morning today and didn't even know I was doing it until I got out of bed.  Half my day is lost.

This is the pattern I find myself in now.  I have a good idea, a little success, some real encouragement.  Then I spike my own efforts to make sure I don't really make progress.  It's not intentional, but it's clearly happening.

I'm frustrated with myself, with my inability to fight my own worst tendencies, my lack of discipline.  I'm frustrated at getting swamped in the space between going forward and running away, half of me swimming in either direction.

Right now, regarding my work, I truly am my own worst enemy.  What do you do when you have to fight against yourself?  Just this minute, I don't even know.