Stories from a life in progress.

Unworthy thought

I've been mulling on thoughts about money, since that's something big I'm working on now.  God gives us instructions about giving things away in his book, but there are also notes about how God loves it when people are cheerfully and readily generous, because God himself is cheerfully generous.

In pondering this, how God loves people who give as readily and joyfully as he does, and how I struggle with feeling like I have enough and not being very cheerful about giving, I thought "it's easy to be generous when you have unlimited resources.  Like God does."

Wicked, wicked thought.

Jesus DID NOT have unlimited resources when he walked here, living a totally human life like the rest of us do.  He depended utterly on his Father to provide for him when he ministered, and he lived poor, like most of the people who came to him did.  Despite this, he gave all of himself away, both figuratively over the course of his life and literally at the end of it.

Even the Father, who actually does have unlimited resources, isn't generous because he has stuff lying around and doesn't mind if we use it.  He is generous because he loves us, and because he loves being generous.  He gives us what we need, not what he doesn't mind letting go of.  For Pete's sake, we got his own Son when we needed him.  It is just as though God pulled his own heart out and gave us THAT.  Not leftovers.

I couldn't tell if my unworthy thought came with self-pity or resentment.  It was too fast, and I stuffed it back in as soon as I realized what I had just said to myself.  But then I dragged it back out again so I can own it properly.  It was a true, unfiltered thought, and I have to recognize that.

It frustrates me, that some chunks of me are like this.  That I'm neither generous like my Father or faithful like my brother Jesus.  But if I ever want to become really like them, I have to see how I really am.  Someone who is resentful, or self-pitying, or both, in the face of instructions to be generous.  In this minute, that is one true part of who I am.