I wrote yesterday that whatever happened, and especially wherever Jesus showed up in what happened, I'd write about it. I described the hard parts earlier, but there are already good parts too.
First off, the work situations pushing on my anxiety buttons are going to change. The worst of the anxiety-making bits are being taken away, while I still get to do some of the article-writing that I'm fine with. I was afraid for a while that removing the anxiety triggers was going to mean losing my only current source of income (such as it is). It looks like that isn't going to happen.
Second and related, it became very clear to me that there's one reason my anxiety has been so badly triggered, and it's all because of my old friend, the scariest worst thing. As a result of not being able to handle this fear, I've lost a big patch of work that could have been really helpful both money-wise and learning-wise. All because, in this particular case, it is too difficult to write emails to people I don't know. That's it. I'm too afraid of people to do this simple-but-not-easy thing, and as a result I've had a miserable week and lost valuable work and made difficulties for editors and clients.
This is one place where Jesus is coming in, because he's the one showing it to me. It's him saying "my dear? You see how this fear is hurting you, yes? I'm going to show you how damaging it is, to help you understand how much you need to face it. And when you're ready, we'll beat it together."
Third, I'm reminded that I'm not so bereft of community as I could be, as I have been sometimes. While facing strangers is still very hard, I have a good patch of friends who are ready to listen and pray for me when I need help. That hasn't always been the case. To those friends, I say thanks: you are all lovely, and I appreciate you very much.
Even in the middle of the crappy part of this story, grace is peeping in. I feel beaten up and tired, but I'm grateful for that.