Blog

Stories from a life in progress.

Looking for the exit

My difficult week continues to be difficult.

Yesterday I had some tough emails about the situation which has been pushing my anxiety.  Needful, but hard.  I was wrung out after them, and feeling extra tired from the anxiety and depressive nonsense.

In the afternoon, Smiley Boy came to our house with one of his friends to go sledding for his birthday.  I was looking forward to the break and a chance to have some fun.  Instead, on my first run down the hill with Smiley Boy, the sled went out from under us and Smiley Boy got a faceful of icy hillside.  He collected a bunch of hard scratches, and I felt really terrible.  He's okay; only scratches, nothing worse.  I know kids get banged up sometimes, but I was already low and it hit me hard.

What with so many emotional distractions, I still haven't been eating or drinking enough water.  By evening I was developing a headache, just in time to run for taiji class.  I hoped it might ease up; it didn't.  As a result (and this is ironic) taiji was even less relaxing and helpful than it has been all year, and it really hasn't been helping me so far this year.

It's a long drive home from my training school, and I cried for a good percentage of it.

I'm so overcooked right now, I don't even know how to fix it.  I had trouble going to sleep last night because the image of Smiley Boy all scratched up was bothering me too badly.  I was afraid I'd dream about it.  I didn't.  Instead my brain invented a dream about wild tigers loose in the back of our property and the woods behind it. They were starting to encroach on the yard and the house -- with my niece and nephew wanting to go out and play in the yard, and a lot of my family inside the house, with its un-tiger-proof doors and windows.  

Honestly, brain:  tigers?  Not just tigers, WHITE tigers.  My imagination invented a plague of white tigers coming to eat my family.  That's what I dreamed about last night.

I want nothing more than to just do nothing.  I really want a break, with maybe some silly cartoons or something to try and make me laugh (I can hardly imagine laughing right now, my sense of humor is so flattened).  Instead I have five articles due today, and family coming to visit tomorrow for Smiley Boy's birthday party, and more articles due Sunday night, and I can't even bear to look at next week yet.

This patch of life is really painful and hard, and I am looking for the exit.

Am I complaining?  Sort of, yeah.  Except not really, because this is for a purpose.  I said yesterday that I'd write about however this story turns out, and this is the next part of it.  It's ugly, yeah, but stories have ugly parts.  I'm waiting and hoping for the redemptive turn to come soon, because I don't want to live here in the ugly part anymore.