Blog

Stories from a life in progress.

Un-Gloom

On Monday I was quite seriously gloomy, and I continued to be gloomy for the next two days. It's been a tough week, but today is better. I don't feel gloomy anymore.

I'm realizing how seldom I have dealt with some of the pernicious physical effects of depression, especially the out and out fatigue. I've been plain TIRED all week. Working has been hard. The highlight of both Monday and Tuesday was the part where I could just go to bed, to be by myself and stop coping with other people or other things anymore. I've been depressed before, but the terrible duo of depression/anxiety usually sends anxiety to chew on me, which hits me with a different set of physical effects.

I'm also noting today, with humble thankfulness, all of the things which have helped me keep moving this week and which have together lifted me above the gloom. They include important conversations, spending in-person time with friends, playing very silly games with Smiley Boy and legos, reading and watching stories, and listening to music set with words that alternately challenge and encourage me.

They also include a large portion of journal and prayer time, which are not often separate for me, and having God's Spirit point out things which I need to see.

I needed to see how I've been trusting in my own wits to a) build a writing career and b) use it to make a living c) without God's actual guidance or input. Which means d) I've been a miserable wreck over it all and made no progress.

I needed to see ways in which I'm not being brave enough in what I post here and why.

I needed to feel how much Jesus cares about me. Not in an intellectual, recitation-of-fact, this-is-what-the-Bible-says way. In a tangible, emotional, personally-connected-in-relationship way.

I still forget that people care about me personally, you see, and that means God too. Without constant reminders and encouragement, I just forget. This part of me has been broken for as long as I remember and it isn't completely fixed yet.

Merely reading facts about God's love doesn't actually cut it, not by itself. Not for me at least, and I suspect not for anyone else either. There are facts inside love, but there also needs to be feeling. Love does engage the mind, but it doesn't actually exist without the heart.

So I've been reminded that I am loved, both cared about and taken care of. I've examined some of the squelchy unpleasant things uncovered by sitting in murky depression for a few days. I'm not gloomy anymore. Today I feel that, even with the hard parts, a lot of life is pretty good.