Blog

Stories from a life in progress.

This is why

Do you know why I can't just leave the end of my last miserable failure (yes, yes, I know that's horrible but please listen to me) alone?

Because of this.

And then this.

Finally, this.

When I wrote yesterday that by brushing over my last hard failure I'd be losing out on the opportunity to heal something in myself, I didn't remember that last July almost exactly the same thing happened.  Almost exactly the same situation, and I felt just as horrible then, just as much like a miserable failure who will never be successful.

Do you see now what I mean by bitterly hard times uncovering things in us that need healing and tender care?  If we don't work on healing what is uncovered, chances are we will land in another situation down the line that will do the same thing to us.  Not only one situation, but maybe lots of them, stretched out over the course of our whole lives, if we never change.

I FEEL LIKE A MASSIVE FAILURE AND I AM ASHAMED OF MYSELF.  If I don't take this opportunity to understand more deeply why I feel this way when I screw up, the next time I screw something up I will feel the same way and it will be horribly traumatic and painful.  Again.

I RAN AWAY FROM GOOD WORK BECAUSE I WAS DEEPLY SCARED OF REJECTION.  If I don't face up to my fear of rejection, it's not going to wander off and leave me alone.  It will keep sabotaging my work, and my relationships, and everything else it sabotages in my life.  Which I'm starting to understand is a lot of stuff.

I don't think it's possible to deal with all of the crap that surfaces from a hard experience like this at one time.  Deep injuries take a long time to heal.  But intentional care helps them to heal faster.  I want to apply that care.  I don't want to waste this past miserable time: I want to see the hurt it uncovered and make it better.