I've been thinking and working on myself since Monday, when enrolling in seminary seemed too good to be true. With the help of several great friends (thanks, peeps) I feel I've mainly settled that issue -- I can believe advanced schooling is a legitimate part of my path. I don't feel like it's too good to be true. I feel like it could be seriously awesome.
So we move on to the next problem. (What, you thought this was all settled now? Time to sign the admissions forms and start buying books? Heh.)
The next problem is money.
Did I say money? I actually meant the terrifying, horribly monstrous prospect that I need to scavenge enough cash to pay for a dreadfully expensive investment in education and experience which I desperately want to have, but still more than half believe is out of reach. Because money.
Money is a big problem.
Everyone who wants undergraduate or grad-level schooling needs to deal with paying for it, and not many people have the kinds of resources which make that prospect entirely easy and stress-free. But there's more than that going on here. Money is an issue for me on the scale of rejection, a problem which is so utterly paralyzing that I can hardly admit the problem exists, let alone look it in the eye, let alone deal with it in any kind of practical, real-life way.
Track back through my posts on this blog, and you can see the progression of my ability to look rejection in the eye. It has a lot less power over me than it used to, but it's taken a ton of time and work to get there.
I'm not at that stage with dealing with money yet. I can kind of admit how big a problem it is, how scary I find money to be, if I glance at it out of the corner of my eye. That's about as far as I've gotten.
The prospect of attending graduate school is going to drag this problem right out in the open, going to plop it down smack in the middle of my life and make me deal with it. I'm going to have to learn how to look the problem of money in the eye, going to have to do better than that, or I'm just not going to be able to move forward.
I need to get to grips with this issue, just like I needed to get to grips with how powerfully the fear of rejection controlled me, just like I need to get to grips with any other fear of this size.
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free, his word says. There is no freedom when fears on this scale exist inside a life. The ability to live well or to serve people genuinely is severely damaged.
So, good. Also *squeak*. But I think God is doing this intentionally now, dragging this fear smack into the open, because it's time we deal with it.