Last Thursday I found a school I really like.
Ever since Thursday, I've been distracting myself in every way possible from thinking about that fact or in any way pursuing the possibility of attending the school I like.
I half knew I was doing it, but it took a while to really see it and then more time to articulate why. Today I finally have a bead on it:
Too good to be true.
Attending regular classes with smart people who love Jesus? Having the opportunity to soak myself deeply in Biblical knowledge and truth, and then share what I find with other people? Writing and talking about ideas that I'm really excited over?
Nope. Too good. I can't believe that I could get to do that. I don't believe life is THAT GOOD.
I am really and truly struggling to believe that God might actually plan for me to build a career by something I'd really like to do. That's a big hairy problem. It's an enormous wonking hole in my practical theology, and it's keeping me from moving forward in basically any direction, either toward attending school or toward some other productive thing. Nonetheless, that's where I am. That's why I've been so decidedly ignoring what I found last Thursday.
I'm spending today being conscious of this -- conscious of my disbelief and conscious that it might just not be correct. Conscious that I need rational evidence to set beside this quiet but enormous emotional freak-out.
I'm asking people I trust for perspective. I'm remembering instances in which I've already been given the opportunity to write or teach, and the encouragement I've already received regarding my potential here.
I'm hanging on to specific scriptures, like Jeremiah 29:11-14a, Psalm 37:3-6, Psalm 40:6-8, Romans 8:28-33, Ephesians 2:8-10, Ephesians 4:7-13. I'm reminding myself that if God is who he says he is, these principles and promises are big enough to patch the hole in my theology -- big enough and much bigger besides.
Right this minute I still feel like seminary is "too good to be true." But I'm conscious that I might be lying to myself. I'm conscious I don't have to believe it.