Yesterday was a challenging day. Mainly because I woke up considerably before my alarm with a sinus headache, an arm squished from sleeping on it, and a weird unsettled tummy, then launched straight into a day of keeping up with a toddler and then driving around to serious appointments. I never really felt like I sorted myself out all day.
I gave up early, skipping taiji in favor of flopping in bed at about 7:30, and snoozed through the early evening. I woke up around my normal bedtime and spent time playing iPad games and wandering the internet, not wanting to try sleeping again. I knew it would take a while to nod off.
Late in the morning, Tiny Girl (not especially tiny anymore) needed a nap and I sat down with her on my rocking recliner, figuring if she slept I could just fall asleep too. I think Tiny Girl snoozed better than I did, because every time she wriggled or flopped to a new position I woke up. But I did get a bit of a rest.
Late in the evening, heading towards midnight, I looked out at the darkness, huddled under blankets and well-buried in pillows, wishing for a greater sense of love and security than I have felt of late. Facing change makes me anxious, and I am considering a lot of potential changes.
I thought about Tiny Girl, flopped across my chest and sleeping like a log, and wished to feel the same way -- warm, cuddled, quiet, held. Secure. Loved.
I prayed for that, and I'm still praying for it. A security bigger than any sort of change, and an experience of love powerful enough to squash all anxiety. These things exist, and I want them.