Blog

Stories from a life in progress.

The basics

Yesterday was a challenging day.  Mainly because I woke up considerably before my alarm with a sinus headache, an arm squished from sleeping on it, and a weird unsettled tummy, then launched straight into a day of keeping up with a toddler and then driving around to serious appointments.  I never really felt like I sorted myself out all day.

I gave up early, skipping taiji in favor of flopping in bed at about 7:30, and snoozed through the early evening.  I woke up around my normal bedtime and spent time playing iPad games and wandering the internet, not wanting to try sleeping again.  I knew it would take a while to nod off.

Late in the morning, Tiny Girl (not especially tiny anymore) needed a nap and I sat down with her on my rocking recliner, figuring if she slept I could just fall asleep too.  I think Tiny Girl snoozed better than I did, because every time she wriggled or flopped to a new position I woke up.  But I did get a bit of a rest.

Late in the evening, heading towards midnight, I looked out at the darkness, huddled under blankets and well-buried in pillows, wishing for a greater sense of love and security than I have felt of late.  Facing change makes me anxious, and I am considering a lot of potential changes.

I thought about Tiny Girl, flopped across my chest and sleeping like a log, and wished to feel the same way -- warm, cuddled, quiet, held.  Secure.  Loved.

I prayed for that, and I'm still praying for it.  A security bigger than any sort of change, and an experience of love powerful enough to squash all anxiety.  These things exist, and I want them.