I worry too much.
I'm really not kidding. I think worriers tend to toss that kind of statement off too lightly and not actually get to grips with it. Worrying is what we do. It's just how we're made.
But, I really actually worry too much. I'm starting to understand how much that hinders me, or even damages me.
This summer just past provides plenty of evidence. In June I was badly worried about my dwindling finances and how to find paying work. Then I got the opportunity to do regular writing work, and I was immediately worried about whether or not I could do it well enough, and have since been worried about everything else I'm NOT doing because I have paying work to keep up with. I've had off-and-on health weirdnesses, which at first made me worry because I didn't have health insurance. Then I bought health insurance, and now I'm worried about the expense. I was worried and scared about my body being strange, and I didn't want to go the doctor because I wasn't sure how to pay for it. Then I got over myself and went to the doctor, who helped to rule out a few serious potential issues. But now I still worry about what's going on. If it wasn't THOSE things, what is it? I'm worried about whether I should keep looking for answers and how soon. And also whether I should worry about it at all.
I'm worried about whether or not I should be worried.
Do you see the ridiculousness of what I have put myself through over the last three months? At alternate times I have been worried about opposite sides of the exact same issues. I never sit and just be grateful for the good parts. I never really get to relax. I'm always looking for the next thing to be worried about.
I'm starting to see that worry is not caused by circumstances. Circumstances just give worry its voice in the moment. Worry itself is something deeper; it's a posture toward the world that expects things to go badly, and that the results will be pain and suffering. It's always looking for evidence to back up this assumption, and it latches on to anything available. Don't have paying work? Worry about it! Have paying work? Worry about it! Worry that bad finances will never get better! Worry that good finances will fall through! Worry that health is not good! Worry that good health won't last! Worry, worry, worry! There's always something to worry about, if you just apply yourself and look for it!
Worry is bad news.
I'm becoming very skeptical about my constant impulse to worry. I think I'm lying to myself about the realities of the world, when I always choose to worry. I think I'm missing all the good parts. I think I'm helping to drive my own anxiety problems. I think this part of me is all wrong, and I think it's time to challenge it and seek change.