Blog

Stories from a life in progress.

About trust

One of the worst potential sources of anxiety for me is weird stuff happening inside my body.  Sometimes it's nothing significant, just stuff that the anxiety grabs hold of in order to make me feel more anxious.  Sometimes I'm not sure if there's something real going on or not that I should be concerned about.

Now is one of those times.

No details today, but this body I live in is doing something weird.  It's not painful, but it isn't normal for me.  I'd very much like to go ask a doctor about it, to find out if I need to be concerned or not ... but I don't have a lot of work, and I don't have health insurance.  If the doctor says "hm, we should send you off to get a test for this," I probably wouldn't be able to pay for it anyway.

Anxiety has a lot to work with right now.

I've had exactly one source of peace, and that's taking my fear to Jesus and praying about it.  Not just praying, but reminding myself who I am talking to.  Reminding myself of everything he says about himself in his book.  Realizing I need to decide for myself whether I believe him or not.

I think this is why I have this problem, or at least one reason why.  Because it takes a lot to convince me to look at the deepest parts of my belief.  I don't always know what I really think is true, and I don't always want to know.  I just want to be safe.  I want everything to be okay.  And I don't want to be wrong.  Good grief, don't make me ADMIT that I'm wrong.  Especially about something I believe so deeply that I don't even know about it.

One of the things Jesus says is, nothing is okay unless you trust me.  Unless you trust me above everything else.  Above doctors and insurance.  Above money and connections.  Above hard work and your own arguments for why you are basically fine.

A whole lot of things have been taken away from me over the last couple of years, to make me face up to what my trust was founded in.  I thought I was secure with a good job, and then I lost it.  I thought I had enough money to work through any sort of problem, and then it all got spent.  I had community I felt I was deeply connected to, and then I lost that too.

At every single step, there was the choice.  Trust Jesus, or not trust him.  Trusting him led to good changes.  Not trusting led to stagnation and problems.

I've always been fairly healthy.  I never fussed about my body much.  Now it's doing something weird, and I don't know if I will keep my good health or not.  It's all tied up with the other questions too, about work and money, resources and dependence.

I can tell Jesus is right here, and asking the same question again.  Do you trust me?  I'm not going to tell you how it will work out.  I'm asking you to trust that I am working it out.  Do you trust me?

Yes.  Yes, by God's grace, somehow I do.