Blog

Stories from a life in progress.

Conflict of impulses

Today I'm researching information on individual health insurance plans, which is a luxury that having real income will enable me to have again.  It's been a couple of nervous years since I had such coverage, and it's been one of the instigators of my anxiety issues since -- knowing that, if anything goes really seriously wrong with my body, I'm cut off from assured medical help.  Or if I get medical help, I'll be in serious financial trouble.  The anxiety LOVES to tweak me about that.

I have never studied insurance plans before.  When I worked for a company, somebody else did the health plan research and presented us with limited options, and then I picked one.  I didn't pick based on any particular level of thought or analysis; I have no idea anymore why I made the choices I did.  I may as well have thrown a dart at a board.

Now that I'm doing the research and analysis for myself, I'm none the wiser.  I confess that I don't actually want to be an expert in health insurance.  I just want to HAVE health insurance.  I don't want to NEED the health insurance, because I don't want to get badly sick or hurt.  But because I can't guarantee those things won't happen, I want to have health insurance that won't make me lose all of my money trying to fix it.  That's all I know.  I don't know what that translates to in the real world, where I need to apply for an actual plan and get approved for it.

There's tension between several things here.  My tendency to want everything settled NOW thinks I should just pick something and get on with it, because I don't really understand what I'm doing here anyway and will it make a difference if I delay my choice?  My perfectionist tendency thinks that I very definitely need to know EVERYTHING about ALL of the insurance options because if I don't, how I will I make the perfect choice?  My worry-wart tendency remembers that the point of this exercise is to choose insurance that will help me if something terrible happens, and so if I choose badly, will I be in terrible shape if I make the wrong choice now -- with no idea what kind of catastrophic future thing I'm planning for?  My lazy tendency wants to just sod off and take a nap for the rest of the afternoon, because I'm not getting anywhere by staring at my computer and I can do it later.

With all of these conflicting tendencies arguing with each other in my head, I'm not getting anywhere.  How do you make a good choice when you don't know what you're doing?  Especially this level of clatter inside your head, between impulses pulling you in totally opposite directions?

Heck if I know.  I'm going to take a walk and hope it makes more sense later.