Today I'm researching information on individual health insurance plans, which is a luxury that having real income will enable me to have again. It's been a couple of nervous years since I had such coverage, and it's been one of the instigators of my anxiety issues since -- knowing that, if anything goes really seriously wrong with my body, I'm cut off from assured medical help. Or if I get medical help, I'll be in serious financial trouble. The anxiety LOVES to tweak me about that.
I have never studied insurance plans before. When I worked for a company, somebody else did the health plan research and presented us with limited options, and then I picked one. I didn't pick based on any particular level of thought or analysis; I have no idea anymore why I made the choices I did. I may as well have thrown a dart at a board.
Now that I'm doing the research and analysis for myself, I'm none the wiser. I confess that I don't actually want to be an expert in health insurance. I just want to HAVE health insurance. I don't want to NEED the health insurance, because I don't want to get badly sick or hurt. But because I can't guarantee those things won't happen, I want to have health insurance that won't make me lose all of my money trying to fix it. That's all I know. I don't know what that translates to in the real world, where I need to apply for an actual plan and get approved for it.
There's tension between several things here. My tendency to want everything settled NOW thinks I should just pick something and get on with it, because I don't really understand what I'm doing here anyway and will it make a difference if I delay my choice? My perfectionist tendency thinks that I very definitely need to know EVERYTHING about ALL of the insurance options because if I don't, how I will I make the perfect choice? My worry-wart tendency remembers that the point of this exercise is to choose insurance that will help me if something terrible happens, and so if I choose badly, will I be in terrible shape if I make the wrong choice now -- with no idea what kind of catastrophic future thing I'm planning for? My lazy tendency wants to just sod off and take a nap for the rest of the afternoon, because I'm not getting anywhere by staring at my computer and I can do it later.
With all of these conflicting tendencies arguing with each other in my head, I'm not getting anywhere. How do you make a good choice when you don't know what you're doing? Especially this level of clatter inside your head, between impulses pulling you in totally opposite directions?
Heck if I know. I'm going to take a walk and hope it makes more sense later.