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Stories from a life in progress.

Worse than failure

You know what actually happened today?  The thing I can barely even stand to admit to myself?

I didn't fail.  I ran away.  I became so afraid of what would happen if I did a terrible job at this new thing that I pulled myself out to avoid it.  I couldn't even engage with the project anymore.  I couldn't even try, because I talked myself into being too afraid.

It's still all about rejection, you see.  I won't risk letting someone else reject me.  I'll run away first.  And that's exactly what I just did.  Let down myself and my new company, because I got scared of being rejected and ran away.

I am so upset and angry right now, I don't know what to do with it.  Go punch a tree, maybe.  Chew on rocks.  Yell at a squirrel.  And then yell at myself.