I've been feeling weird and tense for a few days, and I haven't pegged any particular reason why, but tonight I'm picking a scapegoat. It may be cause or it may be casualty, but thinking about my reactions to it makes me angry and my inability to make any real headway in this area makes me even more angry.
Stupid money. It's post-end-of-June, and tonight I have to deal with all of the practical money things I always put off as long as I can. Paying bills, catching up my (laughable) tracking spreadsheet. I scarcely ever know what's going on in my financial life, because I don't want to know. I don't want to think about it. There's very little there except fear and frustration.
It's been two and a half years since I had any regular income, and I've been running out of savings for a long time. I really don't have much left to dig into. Without the generosity of my parents, I'd have been sunk long since.
It frustrates the crap out of me, because there's work in the world to do. The simple solution to needing money is to go work for it, and I am unable to make myself do this simple-but-apparently-not-easy thing, time and again unable to make myself, and I sit in between my fear of paying work and my fear of running out of money, frozen.
I don't even know what to do with this. I really don't even know, and I bloody hate that, because of how much it hurts to be in this stupid frozen place and because of how much I am taking from other people right now rather than giving. This isn't who I want to be. Apparently, it is who I am, and I HATE THAT.
Why am I so afraid to just go find some honest work? The only thing I can think of is that it is too scary, and it is scary because I expect harsh scorn, and I expect that because I don't think I'm worth it. I don't think I'm worth being paid. I don't think I can convince anyone else to give me honest work, because I don't think I'm worth having it.
I don't know what's at the bottom of all this. I'm not rational enough tonight to find it, I am not thinking clearly, I am just plain angry. Maybe this time I'll be angry enough to make a change.
I'm not holding my breath. I don't believe in my ability to change this. And dammit, that makes me angry too.