Blog

Stories from a life in progress.

The main thing

I'm still having trouble getting back on my game, which at this point is starting to make me feel as twitchy as any other source of anxious nonsense.  I need to write something and I need to produce some work but I feel stuck.  I don't know what to say.  I don't know what is worth saying.

I don't want to acknowledge the anxiety, I just want it to go away.  I don't want to acknowledge the fear underneath it:  I am afraid of death, afraid of pain, afraid of suffering.  These things are givens, and I am terrified of them.  The week in which I helped a suffering person and their family, in which the news was full of many people suffering and dying for terrible reasons, jabbed me hard in this terrified spot, and I've been sensitive about it ever since.  It's not really going away, not very fast.

These hard things are givens.  There's no explaining them away.  The only real answer is acceptance, and I don't know how to make that step.  Not today.

The one thing I can do, the one thing I have avoided so far, is to say it out loud.  This is what I am afraid of.  Pain, suffering, death.  These fundamental things which I can't change.  They are holding too much of my mind right now, and I don't know how to shift them yet.

Own them out loud.  And then pray.  That's all I know today.  Tomorrow we'll see.