Blog

Stories from a life in progress.

Stop and go

All right, all right.  I'm stalled.

I keep thinking things like "I need to write a post for the blog," followed by vague worrying about writing because I don't know where to start back in.  I don't know what to say next, because the conversation's been broken and I'm never very good at those moments when conversation stops.

Most other things are stalled too.  I haven't been keeping up with any of my personal projects, the ones which felt so important not very long ago, when I was making progress and I had plans and was moving along toward FINISHED, that vital word with so much weight in my spirit that I have to give it extra weight on the page.  I'm not making much progress toward FINISHED anywhere.  It's all doldrums.  The Dread Middle, everywhere I look.

It's frustrating.  It saps all the life out of me.

I can't say I haven't gotten anything done, because I have.  I've had a sequence of small freelance jobs this month, which is pretty awesome but which has inadvertently caused this other problem, where I've lost the threads of everything I had underway before I landed those jobs.  I'm so well-trained to work when other people tell me what to do, not work out of my own volition.  When I temporarily had someone else giving me instructions, I forgot all about the things I wanted to do myself.  Even when I had in-between time to do them.  Now the externally-designated jobs are over, and honestly I needed a break -- they landed in a quite busy and sometimes fraught pair of weeks, and I was starting to succumb to anxiety symptoms again from the tension of it all.  I needed to stop and breathe for a spell.  But now I've had my break, and I'm still stalled, and I don't want to be.

I actually know what the answer is, but I have to remind myself anyway.  It's an answer that never feels right, even when I know it's true.  It takes me a while to push myself to take this answer seriously and get on with it.  Mostly because it's an answer I don't like very much.

The answer is to START SOMETHING.  

If I don't know what to start, pick anything and start it.

If I don't know where the right place to start is, then risk starting at the wrong place.  If I don't have anything clever or meaningful to write about, then write something stupid.

Do ANYTHING.  But do SOMETHING.  Just start.