What day is it again? I've been longer away from here than I intended.
So much change this month. I've taken a few small freelance writing jobs, very small, but real and successfully completed. For the first time since leaving the old unmissed job, I feel like a professional person, or someone who can develop a professional life again.
I've also been brought up short by new questions, which I never had to face as an employed-by-someone-else person: legal issues, scheduling issues, responsibility issues. Things which I don't entirely know how to navigate yet. Things I am going to have to learn about and make real choices over.
I've had one big volunteer project put on hold for a year, because it wasn't far enough along to satisfy the people I'm working for. It's hard not to feel like a bit of a failure over that, because if I had worked harder or faster or better or something-else-er maybe it would not have been put off. Maybe if I were a better writer it would have gone that way. But apparently I'm not; maybe someday I will be.
I have totally lost the threads of all my own writing projects, the taiji book and this-here blog and I forget what else there was. See? No idea what I was even doing. I feel like there are too many things on the go, too many things in my head, and I'm not getting anywhere because I can't focus my attention. I remember that I finished a long challenge once upon a time, 40 days of writing, and for a while I felt like I could do anything. Now I can't remember what that feels like. I wonder if I can get that feeling back, and how I could go about it.
I've emotionally abandoned a community which I belonged to for a long time. I've rediscovered my interest in taiji and feel like I'm making progress again.
I've hugged my nephew, most days. I've neglected to write to some people who are important to me, a number of days.
I've felt anxiety symptoms creep back in around the edges. It's been a rollercoaster couple of weeks and two not-restful weekends in a row, and I'm reeling. I'm torn between feeling like I ought to do more work and feeling like I need to lie down and pull the covers over my head for a while, and I don't know which one is the right answer, or if something else is.
I've gone for some walks. I'm rediscovering the old dirt road which winds up through the hollow, now that the weather is warming up a little. I missed that road. I've missed walking too.
I've played an awful lot of Pocket Frogs.
I've filled up some notebook pages and spent time with my nose in my Bible, learning new things from God's stories. But not enough pages and not enough time. I can tell I'm getting dried-up and crispy around the edges, from lack of them. I forget how good God is, and that he's leading me through all of this, whether or not I can see how at any given moment.
It's been a full month, and it's not even over yet. Are there more adventures in store? Probably. Whether or not I'm ready, bring them on.