It has been an interesting set of weeks here.
This season has been full of ups and downs, doubts and triumphs and more squiggly-fear-doubts, new work and new learning, sickness and challenges and the occasional collapse. It has been a fast, sometimes thrilling, often alarming ride.
I'm doing a lot of new paying work for the company I've been associated with since the middle of summer, which is good because I need some paying work. It's given me a lot of new things to learn and I'm still trying to figure out how to balance my time and how much work I can take on. It's starting to bug me, though, that I've been spending all of my working time doing writing that isn't ultimately for me. It is for me, in the fact that I get paid to do it. But it isn't taking me toward the writing future I want to have.
I'm not good at this part, where I have to do one job in the present while planning and moving toward another one for the future. I'm not sure anyone is actually good at it, I just know that I'm not yet. But I know that this isn't where I want to be long-term. I am simultaneously grateful for the work I am doing today and sure that it is not my ultimate "home," not my real calling as a writer. It's not what I'm best at and not what I enjoy most, and I know that someday I will need to move on from here.
It's hard, making time to work on the future I want when the present is very loud and insistent in my ears, but I know I need to if I want that future to ever become my present. So today I'm doing it. I'm not leaping into my paying assignments, I'm writing a blog post. I'm reminding myself that my own future matters and is worth working on. I'm practicing taking the time to do some of my own work
My present is a whirlwind of conflicting obligations. But I am planting this stake in the ground today, writing this post just for myself, to keep myself from being totally swept up in them all. My present responsibilities are important. But my future plans are important too. Today I am serving both of them.