Blog

Stories from a life in progress.

For M

"I'm so glad S___ wrote me back last night, to tell me it's okay that I'm struggling.  I'm sitting here at work, the worst place -- I can feel my spirit die, go away when I'm here, feel my mind and emotions shut down.  I can feel the situation sitting on my chest like an elephant, keeping me from being able to move.  I know I don't have good perspective on myself or the situation today and I feel partway like I should, but that's just a lie.  I can't figure this out.  I don't want to.  I just want to move on.  I want to get to a place where I don't feel horrible every day.  Where I feel like I can move and breathe and act again.  Where I will never have to face the question, why are there things sitting here, right in front of me, that I am unable to do?  What is wrong with me?  Why can't I just do the thing?  When are they going to figure out that I'm not doing the thing and call me on it?  When am I finally going to be in trouble, and what am I going to say to excuse myself, to justify my non-justifiable actions?  When is this shame and guilt I feel inside going to rightfully be reflected outside?  I am condemned by myself every day, when is everyone else going to catch up?  How long can I fool them?  How long can I fool myself?
"Can I please just stop this horrible cycle now?  Can I step out of the ring of intensifying self-hatred and shame and fear and guilt and sneaking and suspicion and sadness and loneliness? I'm really lonely here.  I don't have any friends, it's been 10 years and I don't have a single solid friendship.  And now I'm pushing everyone away because I don't want them to see how terrible I am.  I don't want them to catch me out at lying and laziness.  I'm so alone here."

November 4, 2010.  This is taken from the first entry in the first of my modern journals.

I'm copying it out today for a friend who is suffering despair.  I'm writing it for the future, because other people suffer with depression and despair too.

I've walked there.  I know it hurts.  I can tell you, you who are walking there now, it doesn't last forever.  This is for M, and for myself, and for everyone who walks in that hard place sometimes.  That's where I was on November 4, 2010.  I'm not walking there today.  I've walked out of it, and you will too.