Blog

Stories from a life in progress.

Further impressions

A while ago I wrote a bit about what it's like on a day with strong anxiety symptoms.  Today is unfortunately a day of considerable depression.  I want to put up a blog post to continue the 40-day writing game, but my planning and composing energy is seriously lacking today (part of the depressive nonsense).

Even when I'm not feeling great about the world, I spot signs of change.  Today I am low on energy, I have a stiff back and neck, I have very little initiative.  I'm experiencing and labeling these things as physical symptoms, rather than mental or moral deficiencies, which is what past versions of myself would be likely to do.  That's serious change for me, and I'm glad for it.

I have clear tasks to do, obvious next-steps, and not very difficult ones.  I still don't really care to do them, and I don't anticipate much of a good sense of accomplishment after I do.  It's still better than having no clear next steps, because of the lack of planning ability.  If I had to figure out what to do today, then absolutely nothing would get done.

Life is too crowded with tough things right now, up-in-the-air things, problematic things which I don't know how to solve.  I'm not surprised that I'm experiencing a low patch in the midst of them.  I get nervous about problems with no obvious solution, or even problems with an obvious but slow solution.  It's part of my nature to want everything solved and settled quickly.  I guess here's some practice in living with the alternative, whether I like it or not.

I'm not sure what today is going to be for, ultimately.  It's possibly for moving some books and simple stuff from my apartment to my new home, it's probably for hugging my nephew, and certainly for remembering to eat and drink and take care of the basics, and maybe for crying a little, just because sadness needs an outlet.  It's a day for stopping to listen.  It's a day for walking onward, however slowly.