Blog

Stories from a life in progress.

(Dis)illusionment

There's this thing about blog-writing.  It makes me sound like I know what I'm doing.

I fiddle with some problem, and get an idea what to do about it.  The idea becomes a blog post, and in the writing I can make it sound all Eureka!  Here's a great thing I just figured out!  Isn't that awesome!

Then I get a minute and look at what I'm really accomplishing in real life.  How much is actually getting done.  And it's disheartening.  I somehow feel like I should be living up to all my whizzy words, like I should be as accomplished and smart as I make myself sound.  (If I don't sound accomplished or smart, please just don't tell me, okay?  Let me have that much delusion.)

It's easy to be hard on myself.  It's easy to get the wrong perspective.

The thing is, I have a pile of things that are getting done.  Why should I look and say, how small a pile that is?  Why not say, look at what I've done, and I'll add more tomorrow?

Maybe it's not my accomplishments that are lacking, but my patience?

Maybe the disillusionment I need is to lose the illusion that I'm not good enough, and not working hard enough, and won't ever amount to anything, and my pile of finished things doesn't matter.  That's an illusion I can do without.